It’s time we update well-known quotations to reflect life today. And without the slightest bit of humility or apologies to Ben Franklin, here’s my take —
1-A penny saved is not much.
2-A mind is a terrible thing to waste. And so is a pint of Ben and Jerry’s.
3-Life throws curveballs, and I never could hit a breaking pitch.
4-When you reach the end of your rope, make sure you really want to do this thing.
5-Spread love everywhere you go. You know, like you usually spread bulls—t.
6-Don’t judge each day by the harvest you reap. Make sure there’s a Trader Joe’s nearby.
7-Tell me, and I forget. Teach me, and I — what the hell was I saying?
8-It is during our darkest moments that we usually trip over the vacuum cleaner and break a toe.
9-Whoever is happy has gotten hold of good drugs.
10-Do not go where the path may lead and you’ll more than likely get lost.
11-Always remember that you are absolutely unique and that no one else thinks so.
12-The future belongs to those with well-connected parents.
13-The greatest glory in living lies not in never falling, but in not having hit your head on the nearby coffee table.
14-You will face many defeats in life. And, boy, will you be pissed.
15-In the end, it’s not the years in your life that count, but whether you have a good life insurance policy.
16-Never let the fear of striking out keep you from making a fool of yourself.
17-Life is either a daring adventure or sitting on your couch watching NETFLIX. Watching NETFLIX is much safer.
18-Many of life’s failures happen to people just like yourself.
19-You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. Just call me Captain Obvious.
20-If life were predictable, it would cease to be life, but I’ll settle for it.
21-Life is a succession of lessons, and I keep getting failing grades.
22-You will face many defeats in life. In other words, you are the personification of the 1962 Mets.
23-Life is never fair. Tell me something else I don’t know.
24-The only impossible journey is when you insist on not stopping at the gas station and asking directions.
25-In this life, we cannot do great things unless we are Mike Trout.
26-Only a life lived for others is what separates you from Donald Trump.
27-The purpose of our lives is to get out of bed and hoping the bathroom is not occupied.
28-You only live once unless you’re James Bond.
29-Live in the sunshine, swim the sea, drink the wild air, but make sure you’re wearing a mask.
30-Go confidently in the direction of your dreams and hope your GPS is working.
31-Life is really simple. Yeah, if you’re Bill Gates.
32-May you live all the days of your life. And if you’re walking in front of me, be quick about it.
33-Life itself is the most wonderful fairytale. Unless you’re grandma having tea with the big bad wolf.
34-Do not let making a living tempt you to go back to work if you’re getting paid more to stay home.
35-Life is ours to be spent. And I’m about spent.
36-Keep smiling, but remember the whole world is laughing at you.
37-Life is a long lesson in humility. And I’ve got a lot to be humble about.
38-In three words, I can sum up everything I’ve learned about life. I am screwed.
39-Love the life you live. What the hell choice do I have?
40-If you’re not with one you love, love the one you’re with. Easy for a rock star to say.
41-Life is either a daring adventure or it’s mine.
42-Life is ever so many parts welded together. And I flunked Metal Shop in high school.
43-Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life. Unless it’s George Clooney’s.
44-Life is trying to see if things work. And finding out they don’t.
45-Many of life’s failures are mine. Many? Not all? How can that be?
46-Success is not final. Failure is not fatal. Unless you’ve gone to the theater and your name is Abe Lincoln.
47- The way to get started is to quit talking. “Well I have a lot to say about that?”
48-If you really look closely … wait — did you ever consider that you need new
49-The secret of success is to do the common thing uncommonly well. Or be the son of John D. Rockefeller.
50-I find that the harder I work, the more the government takes out in taxes.
51-The real test is not whether you avoid failure — if you really don’t care about graduating.
52-There’s no success like failure, and failure’s no success at all. Easy for Bob Dylan to say.
53-Don’t be distracted by criticism unless you just opened a restaurant.
54-I never dreamed about success. And thus, I’ve never been disappointed.
55-The road to success and the road to failure are almost exactly the same. I said, “almost,” idiot.
56-I failed my way to success. Donald Trump’s secret.
57-If you set your goals ridiculously high, chances are you’ll fail ridiculously.
58-A successful man is one who can lay a firm foundation with the bricks others have thrown at him. The failure is the one who gets hit in the head with the bricks and winds up in the ER.
You can follow Tom Cardella on Facebook.