Cardella: Halloween: Will It Ever End

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The latest chapter in the Michael Myers slasher movies, HALLOWEEN KILLS, is doing so well at the box office that another one is already in the works. It’s called, appropriately enough, HALLOWEEN: WILL IT EVER END? Rumor has it that the plot is more complicated than the previous Halloween movies. And it includes Myers meeting another popular homicidal killer, Jason from FRIDAY THE 13th. I was lucky enough to get my hands on a copy of the working script. Warning: Plot spoilers ahead.

As fans are aware, the last Halloween movie revealed that Michael Myers is not only a homicidal maniac, but he cannot be killed. My sources tell me that in the new movie, it’s discovered that Michael has a peanut allergy, so there’s new hope that this monster will be destroyed (maybe even before Jamie Lee Curtis gets any older). The clue is in the name of one of the original characters in the film franchise — Dr. Loomis. “Loomis” is a bastardization of the name Lummis, which was once a brand of peanut butter in Philadelphia.

As the movie begins, President Joe Biden has gotten a report that the number of casualties suffered in the small town of Haddonfield, Illinois is greater than the total number of American casualties in both World Wars. Biden decides that it’s high time to evacuate the remaining Haddonfield population with the same precision he demonstrated in ending U.S. involvement in Afghanistan. Just as he did in Afghanistan. The problem is that the president received bad intelligence. The aircraft sent for the evacuation is sent to the wrong Haddonfield — the town in New Jersey. At the same time of the evacuation screw-up, Biden is studying a report from the CDC attempting to find out why Michael Myers never ages, but the character played by Jamie Lee Curtis has. Seems like a helluva politically incorrect note on which to base a movie. Jamie Lee has evolved(?) in the series of HALLOWEEN films from a hot babe to the one featured on laxative commercials.

The CDC is also interested in using Michael Myers on public service announcements urging the public to wear their masks in the fight against COVID. The president, an ardent fan of horror movies, suggests the agency might also want to approach Jason from the FRIDAY THE 13th franchise to participate in the public service announcements because he also wears a mask (albeit a hockey mask). The challenge is to get both Michael Myers and Jason to work together. “Can we get them to bond before they kill one another?” Biden asks reasonably.

According to the script, when the two murderous villains are introduced, Michael seems to be the more friendly slasher, congratulating Jason on his good taste in work clothes. Myers points out that despite all the gore he’s been involved in, his work clothes have never been washed in 40 years. Jason acts pretty much like a self-entitled diva. At one point, he pouts over the fact that he never was afforded the opportunity to have a developed relationship on screen with Betsy Palmer while Myers has had plenty of downtime with Jamie Lee.

But there’s more. During an angry exchange between the two murderers, Michael Myers will never leave Haddonfield because his place is rent controlled — yet another bone of contention with Jason, who incessantly complains about his own digs at a chilly camp site. Editor’s note: It’s rumored that the Sixers’ Ben Summons has purchased a mansion in Haddonfield, Illinois. Puzzling since, according to the script, the long-suffering town is supposedly ready to be awarded a franchise for hockey, not basketball. My reporting reveals that the Haddonfield franchise will be a minor league affiliate of the Seattle Kraken. National Hockey League Commissioner Gary Bettman will soon announce that the new name of the Haddonfield team will be linked to the FRIDAY THE 13th movie franchise, and translated into Danish. It is NOT true, according to Bettman, that the team will only play on Friday the 13th.

The movie takes a lighter turn right after Myers and Jason wipe out half the CDC before they ever convince Republicans to wear protective masks against COVID. It’s decided that the new combo of Myers and Jason need a comedic touch, much like Abbott and Costello gave horror films featuring Frankenstein, Dracula and the Wolf Man back in the ‘50s.

The comedy team of Steve Martin and Martin Short are written into the script. Short complains bitterly on set that he’s getting nauseous from the smell of unwashed work clothes worn by Myers. And he raises the question why Michael Myers is never referred to as “Mike.” “Seems to me the folks in the real Haddonfield wouldn’t be so formal,” says Short. Steve points out that no one ever referred in real life to “Martin” Short as “Marty.” “I didn’t murder my sister, either, when she was 6,” replies Short.

The script also includes a feud between the two Haddonfields, a plot device I found a bit forced. The political leaders in the town in New Jersey feel slighted. Most Americans, no doubt because of the horror films, assume Haddonfield is in Illinois. That ticks off the Jerseyites who correctly point out that the Haddonfield in Illinois is not even real. The dwindling population of the movie version of Haddonfield is equally miffed. “We’re pictured as ignorant hicks who deserve to get murdered by Michael Myers.” The Jersey folks begin insisting on calling Myers “Mike.” Before you know it, the infamous slasher finds a new home in Haddonfield, New Jersey.

Meanwhile Jason decides he needs a career change. He signs with the Flyers and, like most Flyers goalies, is never heard from again.