Cardella: Sean is Gone

Until now, I’ve avoided taking sides in the Sean Spicer-Dancing With The Stars controversy. Spicer is a former White House press secretary in the days when the Trump administration held news conferences. You remember what a news conference was, don’t you? Once upon a time, a presidential spokesperson met with the media in a televised weekly event to update the public on information about their government. Under Trump, the nature of news conferences became a showcase for Sean Spicer feeding misinformation to the media, then scolding them for pointing out when he lied. A Spicer news conference was like a True-False test, where every answer was false. And it was the media’s fault that the answers were false. Trump thought the only problem with Spicer was his choice of clothing, and advised him to get himself a “good navy suit.” If rock bottom isn’t having to take fashion advice from Donald (the man with the extra long red tie) Trump, it’s darn close. Alas, the good navy suit didn’t help Spicer. Sean is a guy who could wear an ARMANI suit and make it look as if it came from MEN’S WEARHOUSE.

Inevitably, Spicer and his navy suit were shoved aside and he was replaced by Sarah Huckabee Sanders, which is a little like Samwell Tarly being replaced by Cersei Lannister. Sanders made the media instantly nostalgic for Spicer. Hall and Oates rewrote their song SARAH SMILE in honor of Sanders. The new version is called SARAH SNARL. Sanders has since been replaced by Stephanie Grisham. Grisham doesn’t hold news conferences at all. But she’s still known as a press secretary. How can that be? Well, in the Trump administration, titles don’t describe actual jobs.

When DWTS announced that Sean Spicer would be one of the contestants this season, a furor arose from socialist anti-Trumpers. Socialists have never been known for their taste in Terpsichore. I thought Spicer was being treated unfairly by these angry liberals at the time, though I never said so because, frankly, I was afraid that I, too, would be linked to Rudy Giuliani and the Ukraine calls. Who were these leftists who complained about Spicer? Weren’t they the same people who had approved of Clinton apologist James Carville as a contestant on the show? If you’ve forgotten Carville, here’s a memory-jogger; he’s the one whose head is shaped like something found in the remains of a spacecraft crash at Roswell. The only way you can tell Carville from a space alien is that he knows more about LSU football.

Once the DWTS season started, left-wing critics continued to snipe at Spicer’s dancing. Let’s be fair, people. DWTS is not the home of the next Fred Astaire. This is a show on which Tommy Chong almost got a 10 from the judges for doing a samba wearing the same jeans he wore at Woodstock. Nobody complained when Chong got voted to return each week. But Spicer? None of the elitist judges wanted to give him a break. Not even when he dressed in a cute sailor suit and did a scintillating jazz tap dance. One judge, Bruno Tonioli, told Spicer, “I think Dory in FINDING NEMO had a better sense of direction.” Only the people, motivated by Trump’s tweets, imploring them to vote for Spicer, kept Sure-footed Sean from being eliminated. I’ll say one thing about president Trump. His sense of loyalty is unfailing. The president took time out from planning for life after impeachment to support Spicer. If you lie for Trump, he’ll lie for you.

Spicer’s weekly survival became the biggest story on DWTS since Jennifer Grey survived a sprained big toe in Season 11 to win the championship with her dancing partner, Derek Hough. The Spicer saga ended, however, when the Deep State contrived to thwart his chances of a heroic appearance in the DWTS finals, leaving the finale of THE REAL HOUSEWIVES OF ATLANTA as the ONLY must-see TV. Spicer was magnanimous in defeat. Did he cry foul? Did he blame Adam Schiff? Did he claim the vote totals were hacked by China or some 600-pound guy, lying in bed, in a dirty s—hole of a country? No! No! No! And no! Spicer is the epitome of class. He said that he was both “relieved in a way” and “somewhat disappointed” to be going home. He acknowledged that he was extremely grateful for President Trump’s support of his dancing (and also for the president not involving him in any telephone call to Ukraine). And Spicer was ecstatic about Donald Trump, Jr. taking time to support his appearance on DWTS, despite a difficult week in which Junior got embroiled into a heated argument with Meghan McCain on THE VIEW and got booed by white nationalists at a book signing. Trump Jr. has a lower approval rating than Dad, according to leading polls. Trump Jr., in one of his more insightful utterances, said, “If Democrats can’t get Sean Spicer off DANCING WITH THE STARS, how are they going to win 2020?”

Nancy Pelosi reportedly replied, “Let me count the ways.”

Tom Cardella can be seen talking football on Monday night at 6 with special guest Vince Papale, streaming live on wbcb1490 or rebroadcast on Tuesday night at 5 on 610 AM ESPN Radio.