Cardella: All the News Unfit to Print (Ripped From Today’s Headlines)

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Daily News reports that intercity riders get too little respect. Megabuses drop passengers off on the street and expose them to the elements. Latest  SEPTA policy requires passengers to run alongside a moving bus and hop on when the vehicle slows down for a traffic light.

FBI swarms the home of Gabby Petito’s boyfriend. In addition to tossing the contents of the house, demands fresh coffee served in French press.

New investigation reveals prison inmates must pay for their own meals and the salaries of prison guards. Warden requires inmates to address each other as “cons.”

Man killed, five hurt in Fern Rock drive-by shooting. Mayor points out that this means homicide rate has dropped to 16.67%.

Two give up in PAT’S STEAKS brawl. Fatal argument centered around whether “wit” is a legitimate word in SCRABBLE.

Misunderstanding surrounding victim requests for relocation, according to Krasner. The DA claims victims don’t want to relocate. They want Krasner to relocate.

Man admits to voting illegally in son’s name in 2020. Sees his voting rights suspended for four years. Breaks down when he’s forced to turn in MAGA cap.

Man on trial for the fourth time for death of his girlfriend. After 40 years, witnesses all as dead as girlfriend. Prior convictions all overturned because of errors by judges and prosecutors. Man freed and judges and prosecutors placed on trial.

Video shows cops attacking black teen. Cops asked why the need to beat up on teen when he’s already submitted. One cop does Kevin Hart impression and shouts, “Because this is what we do.”

Study says vaccine is safe for the young. But Little Leaguer wearing a baseball cap refuses the shot because he doesn’t want to have a year like Didi Gregorious.

Pennsylvania House tries to restrict abortion and rename state “Texsylvania.”

JEOPARDY can’t decide on host, but urges renaming THE WASHINGTON FOOTBALL TEAM “the Trebeks.”

My horoscope says, “Your wife believes that you are bright and good looking, but her eyesight and judgment are suspect.”

Restaurant requires wearing of masks while eating.

Carson Wentz sprains his ankles. Close examination discovers Wentz has three ankles and they’re all sprained.

Garbage not collected in New Orleans for weeks, so residents throw a “Trash Party.” HBO defends decision to turn it into a series.

Feds reinstate “Catch and Release” on border. Spin migrants around three times and point them toward Mexico.

Why Princess Beatrice’s daughter has a title and Princess Eugenie’s daughter doesn’t. Panel discussion on PBS.

40 of the most awkward moments on DANCING WITH THE STARS, including when producers informed Tom Bergeron he was being replaced as host by Tyra Banks.

If you can name the number of NCIS-related shows on television, your IQ is in the bottom 25% of Americans.

Havana Syndrome reportedly more prevalent among older white males who admit lusting after Camila Cabello.

Two words meaning vaccine misinformation. Fox News.

The Sixers’ Ben Simmons found wrapped in a blanket on doorstep of NBA Commissioner Adam Silver. Unclaimed as of this date.

More deaths than births reported in Alabama last year. Reporter fired for noting it as a “positive development for civilization.”

Documentarian Ken Burns says today’s political climate is much like the Civil War’s. Expect another 36-part series as soon as suitable theme music is found.

Shortage of pilots looms as next challenge for airlines. Budget airlines considering hiring actors who PLAY pilots in movies.

“Some wanted me dead,” Pope acknowledges critics. “And most of them are members of my religion.”

Tom Hanks fights to survive in new sci-fi flick. Am I a bad person for rooting against him?

Folks afraid to return to work for fear of having to poo in office toilets. Mean employer suggests large doses of IMMODIUM.

Investigation launched into men on horseback chasing migrants. Some protest unfair advantage. Suggest fleeing migrants be given horses.

WALMART worker quits in profanity-filled tirade over loudspeakers. Rant involves something about preferred fashion styles of customers.

Swarms of endangered bees kill dozens of endangered penguins. Conservationists torn over choice between honey and cuteness.

Man invades GOOD MORNING AMERICA and demands to know why Michael Strahan has all the good jobs.